Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

Now most of the time, what they're experiencing is the end — the final behavior at the end of the sequence. So, the final behavior is, you know, doing this. And before you get to that, you have how a person feels. And before you get to the feeling, you have what happens here, which is what they're thinking, and how they're thinking about it. Because you can't just get a feeling. (Fred: No.) You know, if I said to you, "I want you to feel wildly enthusiastic," but you're not allowed to picture anything, look at anything, think anything to yourself, or hear anything, you can't get from the state that you're in to that state. (Fred: No, no.) There's got to be some translation here. (Fred: Yeah.) So here's the good news:

In order to change the final result, you've got to change this stuff up here. (Fred: Yeah.) So it's the way in which you think and how you think that creates the feeling, that then creates the end behavior. (Fred: Right.) So, we'll explore some of that. Now, somebody goes to somebody, and they get some kind of relief for a short period of time, then usually that means it's not been contextualized enough. So the person feels totally relaxed during the session and goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, all is well," etc. etc.

And they go away and then they go, "OK, what's the first number? (Fred laughs.) Stravinsky's Firebird. Damn." And you start thinking to yourself, "Is it gonna go well? Is it gonna go well?" And then, "Oh, well, now I'm starting to run the anxiety program." Think this in anxious voice, probably a fast anxious voice, start to get a feeling which could be here or here (gesturing toward his chest and belly area.) then start to think, now you're feeling anxious, then you start to think, usually predictive things, "What if?" or future tense, or future case things. All anxiety's into anticipation. Now, I'm not even in the orchestra; I'm already feeling anxious. (Fred: That's right. Yeah.) I'm running through my head scenarios of different things. Now I'm thinking, "Maybe I could just run." (Fred laughs loudly.)

So, the states that people crank up, in terms of their feeling states, are through the process. The secret is to unravel the process, so the person can get what's appropriate for them. Because it's all very nice and delightful for someone to say, "Hey, a bit of adrenalin is no bad thing." And you go, "Step into my head for a day (Fred: Yeah.) and see how that feels, and then tell me if that's the same thing." (Fred: Yeah.)

Because if you're sitting there thinking, uhhhhh, over and over again in the same way, then as somebody who is a performer and who's measured on their final ability to perform, I know that this is like, "I can get through it." But I don't want to be sort of like, you know, sort of "just getting through it." I want to be enjoying what I'm doing. (Fred: Yeah, absolutely.) Because, chances are, if you're doing it in rehearsals, exactly the same music, exactly the same plays, even if you're sitting in the same seat in the same theater, with the same conductor and the same musicians, it would be absolutely fine — because you're not running the same process. (Fred: Yeah, Yeah.) Sound familiar?

Fred: Absolutely correct, on all counts. (Fred laughs.)

Nick: Somebody said to me, "How did you know that?" I said, "Well, just luck." Well, also, once you've seen your first thousand clients, then you realize there's really only going to be a few things. Well, let's just — I have an instinct over how you're doing this. And, as I said to one client, "I wouldn't want to bet against me, because I'm usually right." (Fred laughs,) So, the sort of things that you think to yourself are: Is it going to go well? That's one that you mentioned. What other things are going through your head?

Fred: (taking a deep breath) I unconsciously sort of think about sitting there and the worst things happening —

Nick: (overlapping) Like what? Forgot to get dressed?

Fred: — notes not being produced — Well, no, not that. (laughter)

Nick: The job is a trombone, not a triangle; that could be really problematic.

Fred: Just, just, you know, not being to produce notes or splitting notes, not producing very well, or just the anticipation of sitting there almost frozen with nerves, really.

Nick: OK, these are all descriptions of what could happen. What I'm interested in is — just close your eyes for a second. Now, pick one of the times when you had the anxiety in the past. Now what I'm interested in is, "What — first person — is going through your head? So if I was going to draw a cartoon of you, and write some bubbles above your head, what do I actually put in the bubbles that Fred is thinking to himself?

Fred: "Oh shit, I don't wanna be here."

Nick: "Oh shit, I don't wanna be here." All right. Now, is that a familiar phrase? Fred: Umm, yes, I think it is really.

Nick: OK. And keep your eyes closed, and just check. Is it said in an anxious kind of thought, in an anxious kind of a voice, and a quick kind of a voice? Just say, "Yes." (Fred: Yes, it is.) Saves time really, it's like a rhetorical question. OK, so keep your eyes closed. Because the first thing we're going to do is to start sorting some of this out. So think it as you have thought it: "Oh shit, I don't wanna be here," in that same quick, anxious kind of voice that you have up until now used… . And when you think it to yourself like that, what do you notice?

Fred: Tension.

Nick: OK. And where do you notice the tension? Fred: In my arms, and—

Nick: Where else?

Fred: Chest. Arms. Pretty much all over.

Nick: Where does it start, the tension?

Fred: In the chest area.

Nick: And where does it go to? … Does it go to the head? Fred: Well, down the arms and up to my lips.

Nick: All right, we've got two things to work on here. Let's start with the first one. So when you think at the moment, "Oh shit, I don't want to be here" in that way, you notice it triggers the feeling. (Fred: Yeah.) Yeah? OK. So, take a deep breath in, and feel your feet flat on the floor. The next thing I want you to do is I want you, Fred, to imagine that we're reading out of a play. So instead of how you used to think it, I want you to think it like this: You're just reading out of a script which is, (flat voice) "Oh shit. I don't wanna be here." And just do that one time. Let me know you've done it… .

Fred: Umhmn.

Nick: OK. Now I want you to think it like a question. So think it like this: "Oh shit. I don't wanna be here?" (rising inflection) Run it through one time, … and let me know when you've done it.

Fred: Umhmn.

Nick: Now I'm going to slow down the phrase. So I'm going to put big, big gaps in between each and every word. So it'll seem like there's a pause, because there is a pause, in between each and every word. And then I want you to think it at that same slowed–down speed. And I'll say it first and I want you to think the whole phrase. Just take your time, and do it like this: (Each space is 2–3 seconds.)

"Oh … shit! … I… don't… wanna … be here." Now slow it down to

that speed… . (long pause)

Fred: Umhmn.

Nick: OK. Now, I want you to see the phrase as if it was on a billboard in front of you. So you can see the phrase, "Oh … shit! … I… don't… wanna … be

here." And get it so that you can see each word, and you can see each word

clearly. And let me know when you can see it clearly at the moment… .

Fred: Yeah.

Nick: Now begin to create a little bit more space between the "Oh" and the "shit," and then each and every other word. So every word is a little bit more spaced out than every other word. Just quickly run through them, so they all start to space out a little bit more. So, the first two words, and then the second two, and then the "I" and the "don't," and the "wanna," and the "be" and the "here."

Fred: Yeah.

Nick: OK. Now, take the first two words, and begin to just start to fade them out. You know when things fade out, they just get fainter and fainter and fainter, … and then suddenly — pffft — you white them out so they're not there. And you'll know when they're not there, because when you look, they're not there. And now take the fourth word, and do the same thing. Start to fade it out a little bit more, a little bit more. And then there's a certain point where — pffft — white it out. So it's not there. You know it's not there, because when you look now, it's not there. (Fred: Umhm.) And take a deep breath in, and relax back into the space that's now there, instead. And as you feel your feet flat on the floor, you can notice now, and every time you listen back to this, just what it is that you notice about what it is you notice that's different. Now, as you try and think about the original phrase like you used to think about it, what do you notice?

Fred: There's only four more words on the billboard.

Nick: OK. And when you think about the phrase, what effect does it have?

Fred: It's quite relaxing.

Nick: It's quite relaxing. Now if you try and think about it like you used to think about it, what do you notice?

Fred: It doesn't have much — It doesn't have any significance.

Nick: "It doesn't have any significance." Now if you think about the time in the past when you used to think about this, in this new way, what do you notice?

Fred: It's just a memory really. Feels good, really.

Nick: "It's just a memory." OK. Now, what other phrases or things have you thought to yourself that have not been very helpful? Fred: "Please let me play well tonight."

Nick: "Please let me play well tonight." OK. What other ones? … Do you say, "Is it gonna go well?" could be one of them? Fred: Yeah.

Nick: OK. So let's just do the same thing with "Is it gonna go well?" Notice, to start with, it's a question. So, it's a questioning about whether it's gonna go well or not. Now let me just check: Is it an anxious voice, and is it a quick voice? Just

say, "Yes."

Fred: Yes.

Nick: OK. Now do the same thing. Slow it down so that it's like it's out of a play. "Is it gonna go well?" Then, make it overtly a question. "Is it gonna go well?" (rising inflection) Then slow down the phrase so there's a big gap in between each

and every word. So … everything … just … slows down. Run it all the

way through. Let me know when you've done it… .

Fred: Yeah.

Nick: OK. Now see it as a piece of text, but this time just fade out the first three words. Just start to fade them out more and more and more and more, and then at a certain point — pffft — white them out. So they're not there in the same way. And you'll know they're not there, because when you look they're not there.

Fred: Yeah.

Nick: Now, if you take a deep breath in and sit back in your chair, when you try to think about that phrase, what do you notice? Fred: I just see "go well."

Nick: "Go well." … And what effect does that have? Fred: Enlightening, really. Nick Kemp www.nickkemp.com

Commentary and Warning

Recently a friend of mine in another state called me asking for suggestions to help a new friend of hers who had had trouble sleeping for 16 years, and had become an alcoholic as a result of using alcohol daily to try to relax. I offered her quite a number of things to try, including an outline of Nick's changing tempo process. Most of the things I had suggested were not useful for her friend, so she decided to try the tempo shift. Here is her report, which she sent me a couple of weeks later.

We did the visualizing and listening to his self–statement more slowly and with more space between the letters and words. With that, I visibly saw his body and breathing change — despite the very negative content of his self–statement. That night he slept significantly better, and he has been sleeping beautifully since then — falling asleep immediately, and sleeping eight hours a night. He also stopped drinking on his own at the same time, and has been sober since then. He says that he never knew he could feel so good every day, and realized that he had spent the last 16 years hung over and fatigued.

As a result of this very brief intervention this man made a huge change in his life, sleeping well for the first time in 16 years, and stopping the daily use of alcohol. My friend wrote further:

One of the side effects of his drinking and fatigue was that he was hyped up/manic a little bit each day, and now he isn't. Instead he is calm— and a little bored I think — and he says he is "waiting" for his hyped–up persona to come back. I don't know if that truly is part of who he is when he is sober, or if it was purely a side effect of being alcoholic. He hasn't been sober since he was a kid, so he doesn't know the answer to that either."

I don't know if you notice the warning signals in this second paragraph. " 'waiting' for his hyped–up persona to come back" clearly indicates a loss of a large part of his self–concept, his identity. Whenever someone makes a significant change that involves a loss of identity, that is much more pervasive than a change in behavior. They need something to fill the void created by the loss of identity. Some people can find a way to do that on their own, but others need some help. I immediately emailed her and warned her about this, but by then it was too late for her to do anything about it. Here is her later report:

I agree with you about him needing to find something else to do to fill the gaps caused by stopping drinking (and all the activities he stopped in order to stay sober), but he was unable to do that. In fact, at a couple of points he went on rants about how hobbies and activities "just for fun" were a waste of time and something he had no interest in. I tried directing him toward something that would add value to his life, service–oriented activities that centered around things he already liked.

Soon after that, he started to fill his time with more work, which was the only thing he felt had value. Then he ended up with four days off from work, and he was absolutely beside himself. His moods became unstable — very manic and hyper one minute, crashed out in bed the next. His cravings for alcohol became unmanageable, his inner critic turned way up, and it also turned against me, and some of his other housemates.

It was becoming extremely stressful to be around him, and at some point I brought up a conversation about needing him to respect my things and to also speak to me respectfully without swearing at me, because both were becoming a big problem, and he went off the deep end with extreme overreaction. I was shocked by his reaction; he was nearly foaming at the mouth, shaking, screaming, swearing, turning red, and took anything I had ever said during our friendship and interpreted it as a criticism and turned it inside out as if I were his worst enemy ever.