Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

He also took every self–criticism — things no one else or I had ever criticized him for — and turned it around and accused me of thinking those terrible, demeaning things of him. He was so upset he couldn't even look at me and I couldn't de–escalate him except by leaving. He gave me the cold shoulder for the next few days whenever I saw him, and he put in a request at work to not have any time off indefinitely. I have not spoken to him since this incident. I have run into him around town and he starts pacing, tapping his foot, and speaks extremely animated to those around him. And, of course, having run into him, I know he isn't getting the workload he was wanting, and I have heard from friends that he has been drinking heavily, blacking out, forgetting commitments. At this point, it feels too volatile for me, so for my own sanity I am staying out of his way.

Usually you can use the tempo shift to make a significant and useful change that will fit well with all the other aspects of your life, particularly when you do a careful congruence check before using this process. But whenever someone makes a really big change that involves a lot of their life you need to check carefully to see if something else needs to be done. This is almost always the case with stopping the long–term use of drugs. In this case there was stopping using the drug — which involves much more than stopping the drug itself, but also all the activities involved with that — buying the drug, using the drug with friends, the lifestyle associated with that, etc. But there was also the loss of that part of his identity, which left a vacuum — "If I'm no longer an alcoholic, who am I — and what do I do?"

In retrospect, it would have been much better to change the content of this man's critical voices — the words that he said to himself — first. If that had been done, they would not have rebounded to torment him after his loss of identity, and they could have assisted him in creating a new life for himself in the vacuum created by the change.

Whenever you offer someone a change, you really need to do a congruence check to be sure the change is useful, and doesn't create as many — or more — problems than they originally had.

Changing Tonality Directly

Most of us in the US are not very attuned to tonality, unless it is very obvious. By "tonality," I mean any changes in the pitch, melody, timbre, hesitations, accent, etc. — any change in the sound of a voice other than location, volume, or tempo. In contrast, the English are very attuned to tonality, primarily because of the importance of distinguishing different social classes, which are indicated by their different regional accents. Asian languages, with their tonal aspects, require speakers of those languages to become sensitized to fine auditory distinctions, but American English does not.

Since we tend to ignore subtle tonal patterns or shifts, and much of our auditory experience is processed unconsciously, we often react to certain tones and tempos without realizing it. After talking to someone, sometimes I find that I am somewhat "down," while other times I find myself feeling quite cheerful. If I review the previous conversation, I can often discover that it wasn't the content of the conversation that I was responding to, but the tone of voice that was used.

This is also true of the tonalities that we use when we talk to ourselves internally. If we become more sensitive to these tonal aspects of our internal voices, we can learn to change them, and have more choice in how we respond.

When you experimented earlier with changing the location, volume, or tempo of a voice and noticing how it changed its impact on you, you may have found that sometimes the tonality of the voice also changed. In the example that I gave at the beginning of this chapter, when the depressed woman changed the tempo of her internal voice, the tonality changed as well, and that was what actually changed her response.

Usually it is easier to change tonality indirectly, by changing the location, volume, or tempo, and find out if there is a spontaneous tonality shift. However, you can also try changing tonality directly, to find out if that changes your feeling response to what a troublesome voice says to you. Unless you are a trained musician, this is a bit more difficult to describe, because most of us don't have a good way to specify a tonality. One way around this problem is to talk about using a different national or regional accent.

One of the first steps in learning any discrimination is to experiment with polar opposites, or other experiences of great contrast. We can begin with noticing how we respond to large differences, and then gradually learn to make finer and finer discriminations, and find words to describe them.

First listen to a troublesome voice and notice both the words that it says, and the tonality it uses… .

Next, hear the same words in several different "foreign" accents in turn — British, Mexican, Chinese, Norwegian, African, Russian, Italian, Swedish, Japanese, Portuguese — or any other accent that you are familiar with. Then you can try different regional US accents — Southern belle, New York taxi driver, Texas drawl, New England twang, California laid back, etc. Notice if any of those tonalities change your response to what the voice says… .

Some of these may change your response to a voice in a way that is not useful, while others may have very little impact. But whenever you find an accent that changes your experience in a useful way, pause to make a mental note to use this accent for this voice in the future… .

Another way to experiment with tonality is to think of different people you know: someone who is very easily excited, and someone who is always calm, someone who is uncertain, and someone who is always very certain, someone who is guarded and cautious, someone willingly takes risks, someone who tends to exaggerate, someone who often minimizes, someone who often lies or only tells part of the truth, etc. Hear the same words that your voice says in these different tones of voice, and notice if any of these change your response to what the voice says… .

Again, some of these may change your response in a way that is not useful, while others may have very little impact. But whenever you find an accent that changes your response to this voice in a useful way, pause to make a mental note to use this accent in the future… .

Now hear the same words in a questioning tone of voice, a commanding tone, a tone of amazement, a tone of puzzlement, or as if someone were reading the words from a written script, or any other tone that you would like to try… .

Again, some of these may change your response in a way that is not useful, while others may have very little impact. Whenever you find a tone that changes your response in a useful way, pause to make a mental note to use this accent in the future… .

Different tonalities have different meanings for us. Exactly which tonal elements cue these meanings, and exactly what those meanings are, might be very difficult to describe, because they are largely unconscious, and most of us don't have a good vocabulary to describe them. Luckily, this isn't necessary, because all you have to do is to experiment with different tonalities, and discover how they change your response and which are most useful to you.

Up to now, we have been changing different nonverbal aspects of a voice in order to make it less troublesome. Next we will explore how to leave a troublesome voice unchanged, but add something else to it in order to change your response to it.

3. Adding Music or a Song

Up to this point, we have been changing different nonverbal aspects of a voice in order to change your response to it. Now we turn to different ways to add to your experience in order to change your response to a voice. A general principle in NLP is to never subtract experience; always add to it. Subtracting experience reduces your choices and abilities; adding experience increases them.

Instrumental music has been used for thousands of years to elicit feeling states in people — martial music to march off to war, lullabies to help children relax and go to sleep, romantic tunes to woo a lover, and on and on.

Music is processed primarily in the right hemisphere of a right–handed person's brain, the hemisphere that does not process language, so it is less conscious, and less subject to your conscious control. If you deliberately choose to hear music internally that evokes the kind of feelings that you want to have more of, you can have more control over how you feel.

For example, Richard Wagner's "The Ride of the Valkyries" is a stirring and triumphant piece of opera music that celebrates the transportation of fallen heroes to heaven. Over half a century ago, I had a series of experiences that paired meeting a challenge — with no further time to prepare — with hearing this music played at full volume — and from many sources, and out of synchrony. Ever since then, whenever I am facing a challenge, that music automatically begins playing in my head, creating a very positive state that supports my efforts to meet that challenge. Whatever else was going on in my life "takes a back seat" as I focus completely on what needs to be done.

Very early in the development of NLP, someone discovered that thinking of a problem, and then adding in loud circus music helped some people have a different attitude toward their problem. Rather than being mired in their difficulty, they could think of it as if it were another stunt in a circus — something to observe with interest and excitement.

However, others who added circus music to a problem became angry, because thinking of their problem as another circus stunt did not fit their world at all. Although changing their response from the problem state to anger showed that the music made a significant change in their response, it was not a change that was useful to them, or that they enjoyed. Adding a particular kind of music may or may not fit with someone — unless, of course, they choose it themselves.

If you think about a problem that you experience fairly often — getting depressed, feeling slighted by others, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, or whatever, you can ask yourself, "What kind of music would change my state in a useful way?" …

If you frequently get somewhat "down," or depressed, would a lively gypsy tune or a folk dance bring you "up" again? Or would a thousand violins playing a slow dirge exaggerate how you are feeling, making it seem a bit ridiculous, and less serious or overwhelming? If you experiment with different kinds of music, you can find some pieces that will be useful in changing your state in a way that is useful to you.

Think of a problem mood that you slip into repeatedly, and would like to have more choice about… .

Now think of some music that might possibly be useful to pair with this mood, and hear this music in your mind… .

As you continue to hear the music, think of a time when you felt this problem mood strongly, and notice what happens… .

Then try a different piece of music, and another, … until you find one that shifts your mood in a useful way… .

Then make a mental note to play this music in your head at those times in order to offer you more choice… .

Most psychiatrists think of compulsive hand–washing as a problem that is very difficult to treat. Below is a lovely example of using a meaningful piece of music to quickly change this problem in a single brief session. This example was sent to me about a year ago by Ron Soderquist, an NLP–trained hypnotherapist in the Los Angeles area.

Anxious parents called, each in turn, about their 17–year–old daughter Bev, who for the past six months had obsessively washed her hands 3–4 hours a day. Both parents reported they had "tried everything." including counseling and drugs. They were so desperate they were now exploring hypnosis, about which they were very skeptical. Somewhat worn down by their skepticism I said to the anxious mother, "Look, because you are desperate and because you worry that once again you will be throwing money away, I will offer you a complimentary consultation. I will evaluate your daughter's symptoms and only schedule a therapy session if I believe I can help her." With this assurance, she made an appointment.

As family members settled into their chairs, they all appeared relaxed. They communicated with ease, and there were no overtones of hostility. Turning to the girl I asked about school and extracurricular activities. She immediately replied, "I have studied piano for many years and enjoy it very much." Because I play both classical and ragtime piano, this was a natural opening for building rapport.

When I asked about her favorite composer, she quickly said, "Chopin." Because Chopin is also my favorite, we were now in perfect sync. We agreed we both loved Chopin's Nocturnes and we both played most of them. I asked about her favorite and she hummed the melody. I said, "When I practice a nocturne in the evening I often can hear that melody in my head all next day," and she nodded in agreement. "You can hear that melody right now, can't you?" I said. She smiled and slipped into a nice little trance. As she did so, I ventured, "Perhaps, when you get the urge to wash your hands, you might enjoy turning on that nocturne instead." I observed her trance deepen as she considered this, and then she nodded her head and said quietly and confidently, "I can do that."

After some further rehearsal, and talk about other matters, I concluded the session. I didn't suggest another session. The mother wondered, "Do we need to make an appointment for Bev?" I looked at Bev as I said, "Perhaps she has already found a solution," and Bev nodded her head.

A week later the mother called to say Bev was doing fine. I was a little annoyed with myself for solving the problem when I should have held back and scheduled a regular appointment with a fee. But I just couldn't help myself; it was too much fun just to do it. And while there was no fee, I did get a good story, and the mother soon referred a friend.

When I followed up some months later, I asked for more details of what she experienced internally. She said that when she got stressed, she first "felt germs on my hands, and then pictured them on my hands. Then the voice in my head that said, 'You have germs on your hands. You have to wash them.' went faster and louder and got more intense. When I turned on the nocturne, I would usually just hear the music, but sometimes I would imagine myself playing it."

Bev was already talking to herself in a way that made her feel bad, and that bad feeling triggered her hand–washing. The Chopin nocturne was powerful in eliciting a positive state in which she had no urge to wash her hands. If Ron had added some cheerful words, that could have created conflict. However, adding instrumental music does not create conflict, because the music does not have any words to contradict what she was saying to herself. In addition, music is processed by the opposite brain hemisphere than the one used to process language, so any conflict would be between the hemispheres, rather than within one of them. Adding any music without words is a fairly safe intervention, especially if the person chooses the music that they think might be appropriate — and tests to find out how well it works.