Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

Bev was already talking to herself in a way that made her feel bad, and that bad feeling triggered her hand–washing. The Chopin nocturne was powerful in eliciting a positive state in which she had no urge to wash her hands. If Ron had added some cheerful words, that could have created conflict. However, adding instrumental music does not create conflict, because the music does not have any words to contradict what she was saying to herself. In addition, music is processed by the opposite brain hemisphere than the one used to process language, so any conflict would be between the hemispheres, rather than within one of them. Adding any music without words is a fairly safe intervention, especially if the person chooses the music that they think might be appropriate — and tests to find out how well it works.

Some readers might think that this example was a unique case, but it is actually fairly common. Ron sent me a report about another client he saw recently.

A 30–year–old male who had hung out in his bedroom for several months, couldn't drive a car etc. because of panic attacks, was brought in by his stepmother. He was too anxious to leave the back seat of his car, so I went out and started the session beside him in the back seat — a first for me! He was creating his anxiety with a habitual internal voice: "You're going to go 'weird' " — which was what he called having a panic attack. He's a guitar player, so together we found an alternate audio, a "favorite riff" that triggered his confident musician self. (I told him the Bev story while he was searching for a trigger for his confident self, and this seemed to strike a chord with him (pardon the pun). After we practiced that for a while (I did get him into my office) he went off with his stepmother. I called the next day and he had been out hiking and feeling great, using his favorite riff to keep his musician self in charge.

Adding a Song

So far we have only been making changes in the nonverbal aspects of your experience, without changing the words that an internal voice says. This changes your response without changing or challenging the words that a troublesome voice says. Next we are going to begin to experiment with adding words to change your experience of a troublesome voice. We will begin our experimentation with adding a song, which has both verbal and nonverbal aspects. This is a bit more complex than changing nonverbal aspects alone, because the words of the song may oppose what the troublesome voice says.

If you have two voices in opposition to each other, that will create conflict. Most people have enough conflicts to begin with; we really don't want to add to that! So in the exploration that follows, be especially attentive to any response that indicates that some aspect of you objects to what you are doing, and respect that by stopping. You can try something a little different until you find something that no part of you objects to.

Everyone knows how a song, a jingle, a phrase, or some other auditory experience can get stuck in your head, playing endlessly, and often annoyingly. Trying to stop it is typically not effective. In fact that usually makes it stronger, because as we try to stop it, we devote even more attention to it, when what we want is to pay less attention to it.

The trick is to choose something that is more useful to you than whatever is repeating annoyingly, and a really good choice is some song that has a desired effect on your feelings. You can think of some song that has a positive effect on you, and deliberately sing it to yourself over and over, until it becomes an unconscious background music, a sort of "mantra."

One of my favorite songs for this is "I'm sitting on the top of the world." Another is "I got plenty of nothing," from Gershwin's musical Porgy and Bess. Another, sung by Rita Coolidge, I have forgotten the title of, but the lyrics go, "You can do whatever, … you want to do whatever, … you want to, and you'll never die."

It doesn't matter what song you choose, as long as it elicits a feeling state that you find uplifting or mood changing in a way that you like. A song is a great way to establish and maintain a mood early in the day, and it can also change your mood when you find yourself in a mood that you don't like.

Pause now to think of a troublesome mood that you have experienced repeatedly… .

Now think of a song that you find powerful and uplifting, and that you think could be a useful way to change this troublesome mood… .

As you continue to hear the song, think of a time when you felt this problem mood strongly, and notice what happens… .

Then try a different song, and another, and another, … until you find one that shifts your mood in a useful way… .

Once you have found a song that you find useful, deliberately sing it to yourself for a while, until it becomes automatic. If you don't know the words or melody well enough to do this, find them and practice them, so that you can. Once you have done this, all you have to do is start singing the song and it will continue on its own as a background as you turn your attention to other things. When you pause from attending to those other things, you can notice that song playing quietly in the background of your mind, maintaining your good mood.

You can also take a further step to make this connection even more automatic. If you periodically get into an unpleasant mood in certain situations, or in response to certain external cues, your can imagine being in that situation, noticing those cues. Then turn on the song that you have chosen, to connect it to the situation and cues, so that they automatically trigger the song. Rehearse this several times right now, and then check later to find out if it has already become automatic, or if you need to practice it some more until it does… .

In the earlier part of this chapter, we added music alone, but a song is usually even more powerful, because it has both words and music. Music is processed in one hemisphere of your brain, while the words are understood by the other hemisphere, simultaneously activating both hemispheres with different aspects of the same message. This makes it much more powerful than either the melody or the words would be alone.

Caution

As mentioned earlier, when you add a song to your experience, the words of the song may be in opposition to whatever you are already saying to yourself. For instance, if you have been saying to yourself something like, "Everything is going to hell," and you add the song, "I'm sitting on top of the world," those two messages are contradictory. This has a potential for creating conflict, and we don't want to do that.

Sometimes when I first sing a song with words that are significantly different from my current mood, it seems artificial, or I have tears resulting from the conflicting moods, but often the song quickly takes over and my mood changes.

However, if you experience some discomfort, conflict or incongruence that does not resolve quickly when you add a song, please respect that, and stop what you are doing. You could try choosing another song that doesn't create conflict. Or you could delay using this approach until you have learned how to add words to your experience without creating this kind of conflict. This will be a major topic in many of the following chapters. Next we will begin to explore some specific ways to talk to yourself that avoid causing conflict.

4 Talking to Yourself Positively

Try saying the sentence, "What else can I enjoy right now?" to yourself, and notice how it changes what you attend to, and how you feel in response… .

That sentence directs your attention toward what you can enjoy in the present moment, rather than the complaints and problems that so often occupy our attention and make us feel bad. Even in the worst situation there is always something to enjoy, so this instruction never contradicts your reality. And it also doesn't contradict any grumpy voice that is complaining about all the nasty stuff. It doesn't oppose it by saying "but," it just directs your attention to other aspects of your experience, saying "and," joining what a critical voice might be attending to with noticing what you can enjoy. If you say that sentence repeatedly until it becomes an unconscious mantra it can reorient your life.

Contrast can often clarify and deepen your understanding of how things work. Notice what happens if you replace the word "enjoy" with "criticize," "disparage," or "be disgusted by" or some other negative word or phrase, just for a short time to notice what that is like… .

That sentence directs your attention in a very different way, and could easily result in plenty of unhappiness, or even depression. Many depressed people talk to themselves in this way without realizing it. Attending to what you don't like results in unpleasant feelings; attending to what you can enjoy results in pleasant feelings.

But there is another subtle aspect of the sentence "What else can I enjoy right now?" This becomes apparent if you delete the word "else," to get "What can I enjoy right now?" Try saying this sentence to yourself repeatedly, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from how you feel in response to the same sentence with "else" in it… .

The sentence "What can I enjoy right now?" has a very different effect, because it implies that you aren't enjoying anything right now — even though that is not a logical consequence of the statement. Most people will respond to this implication by feeling the opposite of enjoyment. When I say this sentence to myself, the tonality is slower and the pitch is lower, and I feel a heaviness, lethargy, somewhat depressed, because it sounds a little like a teacher telling me what I should do.

The word "else" in the first question presupposes that you are already enjoying something. So you naturally feel some enjoyment — as your attention searches for something else to enjoy. What a difference a single word can make!

And of course you can replace "enjoy" with any other verb that indicates what you want more of in your experience — learn, love, appreciate, see more clearly, understand, etc. Try saying to yourself, "What else can I learn right now?" repeatedly to see how that directs your attention, and how you respond… .

Now pick another verb to put in the place of "learn" to find out what that is like… .

And then do the same with "love" or some other words, and discover what that is like… .

Affirmations

Many people advocate repeatedly saying positive affirmations to themselves, as a way to change their beliefs about themselves and improve their lives. Affirmations originated with Emile Coue (1857–1926) who advocated saying the following sentence repeatedly, until it became an unconscious background mantra: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

There is a serious problem with this particular affirmation in the repeated word, "every." It will never be true that every day and every way I am getting better. Reality just isn't like that. Even if I am getting marvelously better in many ways, it won't be in all ways. Most of us have an internal voice that listens for universal statements and challenges them — and those who don't have that kind of voice would be better off having one! If I say Coue's statement to myself, it stimulates my internal voice to find the exceptions to that universal generalization. It might say sarcastically, "Yeah, right! How about the way you snapped at your wife this morning — is that better? How about that sore knee that flared up yesterday, so that you're hobbling around this morning — is that better? I don't think so."

So even if the idea of affirmations might be worth pursuing, we need to be very careful about the words that we say to ourselves, or they may backfire and produce opposite results. Any universal words, like "all," "every," "always," will usually stir up an antagonistic voice, and that may result in decreasing your optimism! But there are other problems with affirmations that may not be immediately apparent. One web site says the following about affirmations:

The idea behind these techniques is pretty simple. Most of us grow up learning to put ourselves down for any real or imagined error. We grow up believing certain things about ourselves or comparing ourselves negatively to others. The use of positive affirmations is a technique to change that negative self–talk into something more positive.

The goal of having internal voices that are positive sounds very attractive. However, if we examine this prescription a little closer, the idea of adding positive affirmations presents a few problems. If we assume, as the quote does, that most of us "grow up learning to put ourselves down for any real or imagined error" what will happen when we introduce a new voice that is positive and supportive? There will be inevitable conflict between these opposite views. In addition, the old put–down voice is likely to redouble its efforts to disagree with the supportive voice. That may result in our putting ourselves down even more than we did before adding in an affirmation.

According to Wikipedia, "For an affirmation to be effective, it needs to be present tense, positive, personal and specific," and another site offers the following examples:

"I am healthy, happy, wise and free"

"I am surrounded by people who love me."

These examples include the four criteria mentioned in wikipedia, but they don't quite match my reality.

Although "I am healthy, happy, wise and free" doesn't have a universal "all" in it, it is implied, and I don't know of anyone who is always healthy, happy, wise, or free. If I say this to myself when I am sick, sad, stupid, or feeling stuck, that will contradict what I experience, and it won't be very useful.

How often is it true that you are surrounded by people who love you? You might have several people around you at home who love you very much, but at work or in the grocery store there are probably at least a few others who are indifferent, and some others may even be antagonistic.

If an affirmation doesn't fit with your reality, the part of you that keeps track of reality will be aroused to question it, again defeating the purpose of the affirmation. However, if we create internal voices that are a bit more subtle in exactly what words they use, there are ways around this difficulty.

The interesting instruction that follows was posted about a year ago on an email newsgroup by Vikas Dikshit, an NLP–trained educator and trainer in Pune, India: