Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

A Happy World

About 18 months ago a young woman asked me for help with her depression. She was visiting a psychiatrist and had been taking some medicine for depression for the preceding few months.

I suggested to her that she look around and mentally say to herself, "I am sitting on this happy chair. There is this happy table. And these are happy windows with happy curtains." I made her do this for about ten minutes. I suggested she do this every day for about ten or fifteen minutes.

After fifteen days she called to say that she was feeling great now. After about two months she visited the psychiatrist and he stopped her medicine. She continues to call occasionally, and reports that she still feels great. The most recent one was when she was in my town about ten days ago.

About a year after this email, Vikas writes that his client still feels great, and that he has used the same method — or variations of it — successfully with a number of other clients. Although this method sounds far too simple to have any effect, it employs some very subtle aspects of language.

The simplest way to understand this process is that it is the same as what all of us often do, but used in a more directed way. If someone talks about a "crappy day," they aren't really talking about the day; they are talking about their feelings. When someone speaks of a "cheerful fire," are they talking about the fire, or about how they feel? When someone talks about happy curtains, that implies that they are feeling happy.

There is usually a correspondence or equivalence between someone's internal state and what they perceive around them. A happy person lives in a happy world, and a sad person lives in a sad world. A sad person tends to notice sad events around them, while a happy person tends to notice the happy things. Vikas' method uses this equivalence in the reverse direction to bring about a change in mood. Noticing happy things implies feeling happy.

Since all the sentences are about some aspect of the world being happy, there is no conflict between saying that when the person is not feeling happy. An unhappy person can still talk about happy curtains. This is very different from the "I am happy" affirmation, which will contradict your present state if you are unhappy.

This process directs your attention to things around you in the present moment, just as any useful meditation does. Since you have limited attention, this will simultaneously withdraw your attention from whatever you have been attending to that was making you unhappy, including any negative self–talk that has been going on in your mind.

The word "happy" is a trigger for that state, so using it tends to elicit happy feelings, no matter what it describes, even a chair or a table. When I describe the curtains as "happy," that connects the word happiness with the curtains — and with everything else around me that I describe with the word "happy." After that, each time I look at the curtains — and the other things around me — I will think of the word "happy," and that will tend to elicit that happy feeling. If everything around me is labeled in this way, I will soon be surrounded by things that are now associated with the word "happy," which elicits that feeling state.

You need to be very cautious if you include other people in your happy observations, and notice what kind of response it elicits in you, because that may create a contrast that is not helpful. If I notice a happy child, that may make me feel happy, because I am not a child — just as I am not a chair or curtain. But if I notice other adults being happy, that contrast with my present state may deepen my unhappiness. If others around me are happy, when I am unhappy, that can make my unhappiness even worse. So it is much safer to not include other people at all — or even children or animals — and just use inanimate objects.

Another way of thinking about this method is that it is an example of the hypnotic language pattern called "selectional restriction." Since a window can't be happy, your mind will unconsciously attempt to make meaning out of the word "happy" by applying it to something else. If you are alone, you are the only other available possibility, and even if you are with others, you are still a possibility. All this processing will occur completely unconsciously, so it can't be countered by your conscious thinking.

Of course despite all this wonderful understanding, this process can be completely nullified if someone uses a voice tone that is sarcastic, scornful, or dismissive, as we explored in chapter 2. But if you use a tone that is ordinary, simply reporting your experience "objectively," or one that includes even a little bit of pleasure, it will work. Whether you do this with yourself, or with someone else, you can notice the tonality, and change it if it does not support the process.

You can also use this method with any other useful adjective, such as "calm" or "peaceful" for someone who is too easily agitated, "loving" for someone who feels angry, or "balanced" or "centered" for someone who feels scattered or chaotic. Simply identify the problem mood, think of its opposite, and then select an adjective that expresses this opposite mood to put in the place of "happy."

For instance, if someone is often fearful or anxious, the opposite of that is safe, and they can use this word to describe the world around them. "I see the safe chair," "Those are safe curtains," "This is a safe computer," etc.

Be sure that you choose an opposite experience, not something in the mid–range of a continuum. For instance, if you are often critical and rejecting, the opposite of that would be welcoming or loving, not accepting, which is too neutral.

Try this now. Think of an unpleasant state that you sometimes slip into… .

Then think of its opposite, a positive state that you would like to have in its place… .

Then use this word to describe the things around you, either internally, or out loud. Continue to do this for several minutes, and notice how it changes your response… .

This method is an affirmation that will work, and it won't arouse other conflicting voices to disagree with it. What can we learn from the two examples I have given?

"I am sitting on this happy chair," etc. "What else can I enjoy right now?"

First, they all direct attention to events in the present moment, withdrawing your attention from whatever is going on in your mind that may be contributing to your unpleasant state.

Second, it is a process that you can do right now — whatever your present state is — in contrast to an end point (enjoyment, happiness) which may seem distant in time and unattainable.

Third, they don't contradict your reality in the moment.

Fourth, they direct attention to something in the world external to you, yet in a way that naturally and indirectly elicits an internal resourceful state of enjoyment or happiness.

These four characteristics of a positive affirmation that works can be put to use for other states. Let's take the other three qualities in one of the previous examples of an affirmation given above: healthy, wise, and free. How could you use the models given above to elicit a feeling of being healthy? …

"I am sitting on a healthy chair," etc.

"What else can I notice about my healthy functioning right now?"

Now do the same with wise and free, and then go on to create affirmations about pleasure, beauty, love, balance, or whatever you want more of in your life. "What else pleases me right now." "What else is beautiful to me right now." "What else can I love right now." "What else is balanced in my experience right now?"

Appreciate & Smile Exercise

Another exercise that Vikas offers to participants in his trainings is provided below:

With their eyes closed, I ask them to imagine they are standing in front of the front door of their home. I ask them to feel the key in their hands, and hear it turning in the lock as they open the door. And then I ask them to appreciate the door, and smile. Then I ask them go around the home and appreciate and smile with everything that they see or hear.

And then repeat the same process of appreciating and smiling with all the family members, neighbors and acquaintances. Then they do the same for the other places that they visit often, like office, school or shops. And then repeat this with some strangers as well.

And I also ask them to go inside their own bodies and appreciate and smile with all their body parts.

The whole exercise takes about fifteen minutes when I teach it; it requires less than five minutes when they do it on their own. I suggest that they do this for about a month or so, and notice the results.

Once again, the idea is to connect that appreciative and smiling state to all the usual things and people in the person's life. It does not paste a fake smile on their face; it increases the chances that the person will generally appreciate and smile and be happy everywhere.

Paul Ekman's (15) very detailed research has shown that even if you ask someone to smile artificially — or simply hold a pencil between their teeth, which requires the same kind of muscle movements around the mouth — that elicits happiness because that muscle position is unconsciously associated with smiling, and smiling is associated with pleasure and happiness.

Vikas' instruction is more subtle than asking someone to deliberately smile. It first asks you to see something externally, and then to say some words of appreciation internally, creating a natural context for a spontaneously smile.

In this chapter I have presented a number of ways that you can talk to yourself without contradicting what you might already be saying to yourself. They are elegant and graceful ways to change your experience.

Next we will explore how to replace an existing voice with a new voice that is more useful. We have to be cautious when doing this because there is always a potential for conflict.

5 Adding a Voice

In previous chapters, you have learned how to change nonverbal aspects of the direction, location, volume, tonality and tempo of a troublesome voice in order to reduce its impact on you. You have also learned how to add music or a song to a voice in order to change your response, and in the previous chapter you have experimented with several ways to talk to yourself that are useful and effective.

Now we can begin to use some of these methods in combination to make a useful change. For instance, once you have reduced the volume of a troublesome voice, you can then replace it with a more resourceful and supportive voice without creating significant conflict. The following example is from Ron Soderquist, an NLP–trained hypnotherapist in the Los Angeles area:

A middle–aged woman called to say she wanted her husband to come in for hypnosis to change his attitude. "I am sick and tired of his negative attitude." I was amused, and asked her to have him call me. She was right. When Bill came in for an appointment he said, "I grew up in a very negative, unhappy family. There were no 'Atta boys' in our family; there was only criticism. They were unhappy with their marriage, and it was a rare day when Dad or Mom laughed or showed happiness." He went on, "My wife complains that I come home from work grumbling and complaining. She says I'm just like my parents, and she's probably right, but I can't seem to help myself. I don't see how you can help me change. I don't like being so angry with the kids, and I don't like having an unhappy wife. If you can help me change, great."

After some questioning, Bill identified his parents' negative voices in his head. I asked if he could imagine a room in his head with the voices coming from a radio or some device over by the wall. He was able to imagine a radio. Then I wondered whether he would like to go over and turn down the volume, or perhaps put a pillow in front of the radio to muffle the sound. As he did this, he gave a big sigh, and visibly relaxed. "What's going on?" I asked.

"My head is quiet for the first time ever," Bill said. I told him, "Since it's your head, you can put in anything you want. For example, because you are thankful for your family and your health, you can fill that room with your own thankful voice, if you wish." To his surprise Bill discovered he could do that quite easily. We rehearsed him in reviewing his thankful thoughts while driving home from work, so that he could greet his wife and children with joyful energy. After some rehearsal, he felt confident he had installed new voices in his head. Bill's wife called later to report she was enjoying a new, positive Bill; he had changed his attitude.

Ron Soderquist, http://www.westlakehypnosis.com/

I think it is pretty amazing that you can change a pervasive, life–long negative attitude in a few minutes, just by changing an internal voice — without extensive therapeutic time–traveling back to the traumatic origin of his voices.

However, I want you to think about what would have happened if Bill hadn't reduced the volume of his negative self–talk before adding in a resourceful and supportive voice. If there were two loud voices in his head, they would conflict with each other, setting up an internal battle. Most people have enough conflict in their lives already; they don't need more of it.

Many people seek help because they already have chronic unpleasant internal conflicts like this. A common troubling conflict is between some version of "Be sure to do what others approve of," and "No, be independent and think for yourself." A conflict like this often puts you "between a rock and a hard place," because whatever you decide to do, afterwards the other side will torment you. "You just went along with the crowd again, you wimp," or "You sure 'blew it' with the guests by telling that racy joke."

Another common conflict is between indulging in a present pleasure on one hand, and its future consequences on the other. One voice may say something like, "Go ahead and treat yourself by eating that dessert; you deserve it," while another warns, "If you eat that, you'll get fat, and no one will want to be around you." Whether or not you eat the dessert, the other side will badger you with the consequences later. "You denied yourself a simple pleasure that would have made you feel really good," or "Now you've done it; you'll have to watch what you eat all next week in order to lose the calories in that cheesecake."

However, a number of well–respected therapies — and most books about negative self–talk — strongly advocate talking back to a critical internal voice as a way to lessen its influence. For instance, David Burns is a student of Aaron Beck, who is sometimes described as the "father" of Cognitive Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (11). CBT has even deeper roots in the work of Albert Ellis, whose work was originally called Rational Therapy, later Rational Emotive Therapy, and finally Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (16) as it evolved over the years. As early as the 1950s — half a century ago! — Ellis advocated actively verbally challenging a client's self–defeating beliefs and behaviors by demonstrating the irrationality, self–defeatism and rigidity of their negative self–talk. Burns is one of many Cognitive Therapists who advocate countering a troublesome voice: