Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

Some people may find that just reading the paragraph above has created nasty images of the crash. If so, you have an opportunity to use the same process that Lewis used, and verify how well and how quickly it works. First notice where your images of the crash are, and how you feel as you view them… .

Then simply allow those images to shift off to the left and behind you ten feet or more, and as they do, they can become small, flat, black and white photos, and then notice how your response to them is different… .

Changing Physical Location

If you ask someone to change the location and direction of a voice, as described previously, they may find it difficult, especially if they are not used to making these kinds of changes. The voice may be difficult to move, or it may immediately move back to its previous location, as if it had a "mind of its own." When this occurs, it will often be helpful to change your wording. Instead of "move the voice," try saying, "watch as it moves," or "notice what happens as you allow the voice to move" and see if that makes it easier for the voice to move away and achieve some distance between you and the voice.

If the voice still doesn't move, or immediately returns to its original location when you move it, there may be a good reason, and it is best to respect this, even when you don't know the reason. If you want to explore this further, you can imagine that the voice is another person, and ask it, "What would I lose if I moved the voice into that location?" and then listen to what the voice answers. The voice might say something like, "If you don't listen to me, you might get into trouble." If you reply to the voice, "In a farther location it would be easier for me to listen to what you say, and I would be more willing to hear you," the voice may be willing to change location.

There are other ways to create separation between you and a voice that are less direct, and that almost anyone can do, and this is easy to confirm in your own experience. Think of a self–critical voice and notice whether it says, "I am — " or "You are — " and how you feel in response… .

Now keep all the other words the same, but switch to the other possibility (from "I am — " to "You are — " or the reverse) and again notice any difference in how you feel in response… .

When a voice says, "/ am—(stupid, boring, etc.) there is usually very little separation between you and the voice; the conflict is apparently between two parts of yourself. But when the voice says "You are — " (stupid, boring, etc.) it is clear that the conflict is between you and someone else, and the voice is usually located outside your head, more distant.

When I do this, the location shifts from in the center of my head for "I am — " to a location outside my head and about a foot to the left of my left ear for "You are — " This is true even when I don't have an image of anyone saying those words. When the voice is in my head, I feel a little unsettled or wiggly, as if I don't quite know who I am. Am I the voice, or am I my feelings in response to the voice? Since they are in conflict, it is hard to identify with either one. But when the voice is out to the side, the separation between the two sides of the conflict — between the voice and my feeling in response — is much clearer. The voice is someone else, and my feelings are mine, and I feel more solid about who I am.

Now if you ask, "Who is speaking to you in this way," or "Who does that voice belong to?" that makes an even clearer separation between you and the voice that is speaking to you. This separation is not just a matter of making an intellectual distinction between self and other; it actually increases your experience of separation in space. This greater separation will usually lessen the intensity of your feeling, because a danger or challenge that is farther away from you is less immediately threatening. You can easily confirm this in your own experience. Think of a troublesome voice, and first notice what it says… .

Then notice whether it says, "I am — " or "You are — " …

If it says, "I am — " change it to "You are — " as in the previous experiment… .

Next identify who is speaking to you in this way, and notice if you have an image of this person who is speaking to you. (If you can't immediately identify whose voice this is, ask yourself, "If I did know, who would it be?) …

Many people will spontaneously get an image of the speaker as a way to identify who it is. If you already have an image of them, notice what it is like to hear the same voice with or without this image… .

Usually a voice with an image will be farther away in physical location than a voice without an image. Even when this is not the case, your sense of separation is likely to be stronger, and your sense of who you are will feel more solid.

That image of the speaker will usually be seen outside the person. If that doesn't happen spontaneously, say to yourself, "Can you remember when this person spoke to you in this way," and you will usually see the other person outside yourself as you retrieve a memory of a specific event, in a specific context.

This image of the person who is speaking may be directly in front of you, or it may be somewhat off to the side, or less often even behind you. But wherever they are located, they will usually be facing toward you. Often your image of this other person will also be somewhat higher than you are, in a position of power or authority.

When they are facing you, there is an implicit message of conflict or confrontation, rather than cooperation; if they are higher than you, you will likely feel weaker and less powerful. Changing their location, the direction that they are facing, and their height in relation to you, can be used to indirectly change the conflict or confrontation into something more equal and cooperative, joining with it, rather than confronting it.

For instance, if you think now of a troublesome voice, and who it is that is speaking to you in this way, notice where that person is located in your personal space, whether they are speaking toward you, rather than in some other direction, and if they are higher or lower than you are… .

Now change that person's location from wherever you saw them, to being beside you at the same level, facing in the same direction, as if you were sitting together discussing something that is in front of both of you, and continue your verbal interaction with this person — what do they say now, and what do you say in response? …

Notice if this change to sitting together facing in the same direction makes any change in the content of what that person says, or the tone of voice that they use, and if there is any change in your feeling response to what they say… .

In this position usually that other person will become more cooperative, and less argumentative or confrontational. Their voice may become softer or slower, or they may be more willing to listen to what you have to say in response, and you may notice parallel changes in your own response. Your unpleasant feelings will likely become less intense, and they may also change in quality. For instance you may be confused rather than angry, or interested rather than annoyed… .

When you realize the impact of this kind of change in location, you can use it to change your response to a voice. Below is a particularly graceful way to do this, described by Andrew T. Austin in his wonderful book, The Rainbow Machine. (9)

One technique I use a lot that has produced some results that are sometimes as dramatic as the Core Transformation process (2) came from something a psychotherapist told me that sounds much like something Virginia Satir (8) might have done — maybe I read it in one of her books. In doing family therapy, she had a family where the conflict was between the father and his 17–year–old son. The father was a "strong" and stoical man, for whom expressing emotion was not an easy or desirable skill.

She told the son to get up and stand behind the seated father and gently place a hand on each of his father's shoulders in order to "feel and relieve some of the tension there." Apparently this made a huge change in the relationship between father and son, so naturally it got me thinking about how this could be used for an individual, when the father or someone else is not present.

As I have mentioned previously, the internal representations of problem people are rarely, if ever, radiating beauty and light. I'll often ask what the expression on their face is, and what their posture is. Then I'll ask the client to imagine walking behind that person and gently placing a hand on each shoulder and giving just a little gentle massage to loosen them up a bit. As the client imagines touching them, this also shifts their kinesthetic feelings. Usually the representation itself changes, relaxes, or even starts crying. For instance:

Client: "I feel criticized."

Therapist: "What has to happen inside for you to feel criticized?" (Since criticism is a largely verbal activity. I could have asked, "And who criticizes you, and what do they say?")

C: "I hear a voice."

T: "And if that voice were a person, who would that be?'

C: "My father. My father was always criticizing me; he had a horrible voice like that." (The client has not seen father for over 14 years.)

T: "And if your father were in the room now, where would he be?"

C: "Standing right in front of me, really close, facing me."

T: "That's right. Now close your eyes. I want you to imagine walking around behind him, and gently place one hand on each of his shoulders and gently massage those shoulders. Whisper into one ear that is close enough to hear you, to 'Relax now… all the way.'… Tell him it's OK,… it's OK, … Give him a few moments to relax, all the way down now… ." Try this now yourself; think of someone you felt inferior to as a child, and hold that representation in mind. Then stand up, go around behind them, and gently massage their shoulders and notice the difference… .

This is a nice maneuver that achieves several things simultaneously. Primarily it completely shifts the spatial orientation of the client in relation to the representation. Instead of facing each other in opposition, they become oriented in the same direction, with implications of alliance and cooperation. In addition, massaging someone's shoulders and talking to them in this way presupposes a much more friendly relationship than criticism does, opening the door to a more understanding attitude.

One aspect of this is worth pointing out, as it isn't always obvious at first. When you elicit a representation from a sitting client and then ask them to stand up, the representation tends to stay where it is in geographical space. A representation that is a negative artifact from childhood is often bigger, or higher up than the client, and because of this it often represents something more powerful than the client. However, when you stand up and massage someone's shoulders, you are the same height, with implications of equality. And when you feel equal to someone else, you feel much less defensive and threatened. If that other person was originally sitting down, you may even find that you are higher than they are, with a corresponding feeling of power, instead of vulnerability.

In my early daze, I would try to get the client to reduce the size of the representation, or "push" it further away. Invariably they would find some kind of difficulty. Then I chanced upon the move described above, which is much more graceful and effective.

Essentially, this puts the client in control of the representation, and gets the representation to relax. The representation is exactly that — a representation of a part of himself, a bit of his own psyche that isn't feeling nice. This is a hugely powerful technique. I prefer to have the client remain sitting and do this in their imagination. However, it isn't unusual for someone to actually stand up and go through the physical motions of these activities. This is particularly likely if the client is an athlete, or someone else who attends closely to their body and its position in great detail. (9, pp. 80–81)

Once I was having lunch with a colleague at a national psychotherapy conference. She was talking about her 10–year–old son who was having some difficulties, and about her anxiety and uncertainty about him. When I asked her where she saw the image of her son, she looked and gestured straight ahead of her, and said, "About 15 feet away." I asked her to bring this image of her son next to her, so that he was by her side, facing in the same direction. When she did this, her anxiety changed to soft tears of sadness about what he was going through, and then she said calmly and confidently, "I know what to do. All I have to do is be with him and support him."

A particularly useful intervention that I learned from Robert Dilts can be used with a couple who are arguing vehemently. Ask them to sit side–by–side, with a little space between them, facing in the same direction. Then ask them to see both of themselves in front of them, and to continue to discuss their ongoing interaction in the moment, but in "third person," as if they are describing someone else. "She is sitting with her arms folded across her chest, and he is feeling very angry right now, remembering all the times that — "

These examples may suggest other changes in position that could be useful to change the location of a representation of someone who has a troubling voice. What if you were both lying down side by side on chaise lounges enjoying the springtime sun? Or sitting back to back?

For much more about how to utilize changing the position of internal images of other people, see Lukas Derks' excellent book, Social Panoramas. (13)

Changing Volume

When you changed the location of a negative voice so that it was farther away, you often found that the volume decreased, making it much less unpleasant to listen to the voice. Changing the volume was a major factor in making the voice easier to listen to, and changing the location in space was a way to change the volume. But how does this work so easily?

You have had many experiences in the real world in which a sound source moved away from you, or you moved away from a sound, and as it did, the sound became quieter. You have also had many experiences in which a sound moved closer to you, or you moved closer to a sound and it got louder.

When you imagine a sound moving away, or that you are moving away from a sound, that elicits coordinated simultaneous memories in all your senses of that happening. The memories of the sound moving away correspond to a decrease in volume. In other words, remembering this kind of event elicits the precise internal neurology that occurred when that happened in the external world. That same neurology can be used to make a corresponding change in your internal world.