Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I - Steve Andreas

Another way to refocus attention on the present moment is to engage in a sport, or some other activity that requires us to be in the present. If you are hitting or catching a fast–moving ball, you have to perceive it in the moment in order to do that. If you are cutting down a tree with a chain saw, you really need to attend to the saw, and which way the tree is likely to fall. Once I knew a woman whose guru told her to get a job chopping vegetables in a Chinese restaurant, a job that required her to chop vegetables very fast, with a very large and very sharp knife. That motivated her internal critical voices to be silent so that she could attend to the present moment and avoid losing some fingers.

Attending to anything in the present tends to withdraw our attention from an internal voice that talks about the past or future, or about present events in some other place. Learning how to redirect our attention in this way can free us from being helpless prisoners of our thoughts. This undoubtedly accounts for the popularity — and immense variety — of programs that advocate learning how to "be in the here and now," some of which are thousands of years old.

The major difficulty with most meditative methods is that they typically take years of practice, and many people find them only partly effective. Another difficulty is that the idea of "being in the present moment" has sometimes become a universal prescription, applied to all self–talk, whether negative or positive. A voice that remembers a horrible past can also remind you of treasured memories and satisfying successes; a voice that predicts future failure and misery can also encourage you by forecasting pleasure and happiness. If you were always in the present moment, you would lose an extremely valuable source of support and optimism that can carry you through rough times.

Internal voices can be very destructive and disorganizing, or they can be very useful and supportive — and everything in between. This book will help you become aware of how you talk to yourself, and how you can change that in order to feel differently. We will be exploring a number of ways that you can transform your negative self–talk into something positive and useful.

For simplicity and ease of understanding, each chapter will be devoted to one or two methods for doing this, beginning with some very simple nonverbal ways that can be surprisingly rapid and effective. We will be exploring a number of ways to alter the voices themselves, both the words that they say and how they say those words, so that they become resourceful allies, instead of difficult obstacles.

Most people pay attention to the words that an internal voice says, and it can often be very useful to change those words. However, the nonverbal sounds that are used to convey those words are often much more important than the words themselves, and they are often much easier and simpler to change. So we will start there, with how a voice speaks, and only later show how to change what a voice says.

1. Changing Location

Almost everyone can easily think of a troublesome voice, but very few people notice where it is located in their personal space. The location of a voice turns out to be a major aspect of its impact on you, and it is one of the easiest things to change.

Listen now to a troublesome voice that makes you feel bad in some way, and notice its location in your personal space. Most voices are located either somewhere inside your head or in the space immediately surrounding your head… .

Is it located somewhere inside your head or outside? …

Is it in front or behind, left side or right side, above or below? …

And which way it is pointed — toward you, away from you, or somewhere in between? …

Take some time to identify all these different aspects of your voice. It may help to first gesture with your finger to where the voice is, and the direction it is pointed, and then find a way to describe what you discovered.

When a troublesome voices is located outside your head it is almost always pointed toward your head. Now that you know the location and direction of your troublesome voice, you can experiment with some changes, and notice how they change how you respond to it.

Changing Direction

First change the way the voice is pointing, and find out how this changes your experience of the voice. For most people this is quite easy; it is just not something they ever thought of doing. If you have any difficulty, simply allow that voice to change direction. First try allowing that voice to reverse direction (usually this will make it point directly away from the head) and find out what that is like… .

Then find out what it is like to listen to the voice when it is pointing half way between toward you and away from you… .

Notice if there is any difference between when it is pointing straight up and straight down, …

Or between pointing left and right,…

Or forward and back… .

When the voice is pointing away from you, usually the volume is less, and your response to it is less intense. Most people feel better when a troubling voice is pointing away from them, and this makes it easier and more comfortable to listen to what the voice is saying. When it is pointing half way between those extremes, the intensity of your response is usually somewhere in between when it is pointing toward you and away from you.

Notice that I used the word "usually" and "most people" in the previous paragraph. I will often offer generalizations about how people respond to their internal voices, based on my experience of making these kinds of changes with a large number of people. However, you may sometimes have a different response than what I outline here.

Whenever you response is different than what I describe, that is very important information. Your response is yours, no matter what I may say is "usually true" for "most people." It isn't "wrong"; it's just that your brain works somewhat differently. I will be offering you many changes to try out, so that you can find out what works for you — even if it is different from what most other people experience. Whenever you discover a change that is useful, that adds to your choices about how a voice sounds, and how you feel in response to it.

Simply changing the direction of the voice is only one small way that you can learn how to have some control over the intensity of your response to it, and this is a choice that you can now make at any time. Now return your voice to its original direction, so that you can discover other ways that you can change your response to a voice… .

Changing location inside your body

First, listen to the voice again, and notice your response… .

Is it any different than when you began reading this chapter? …

Now experiment with changing the location of the voice in a variety of ways, to experience the impact of hearing the same voice coming from different locations in space, and how your feelings change when you do this. Again, most people find this quite easy; it is just not something they ever thought of doing. If you have any difficulty, simply allow that voice to change its location.

Now hear that voice coming from your left elbow, and notice what that is like… .

Most people find that when their critical voice comes from their elbow, it is less impactful. The voice may also change in tonality when you do this, perhaps becoming quieter and higher pitched, and your feelings probably also became less intense.

Next I want to offer you a number of other choices about where you hear that voice coming from. Some of them will probably make the voice less unpleasant, while others may make it more unpleasant. Your job is to simply to try out each suggestion that I offer you, and pause to discover how it changes your experience.

Now hear this voice coming from your stomach or belly, and notice what that is like… .

Now hear that same voice coming from your right kneecap, and notice what that is like… .

Next, hear that voice speaking from your heart, and notice what that is like… .

Now hear that voice coming from your left big toe, and notice what that is like… .

Next, experiment with hearing that voice coming from some other part of your body, and find out what that is like… .

Finally, return that voice to its original location and direction… .

Pause to notice if your response to what the voice says in its original location is the same now as before you tried these experiments, or whether it is different now? …

Typically hearing an unpleasant voice in locations more distant from your head will be the most comfortable, and locations near your head, or inside your head, will be most unpleasant. Hearing a troublesome voice from the stomach is usually unpleasant, and the feeling that results may be confused with hunger, loneliness, or nausea. Hearing a troublesome voice coming from your heart may be particularly unpleasant and confusing. Some people actually do this without realizing it, and it is not particularly useful in helping them live productive lives. I have asked you to experiment with hearing a troublesome voice from your stomach or heart only to give you an experience of the importance of location.

Next review the results of these little experiments, and ask yourself, "In which location was it most comfortable for me to listen to this troubling voice?" …

Now hear the voice coming from that location, and experiment with also changing the direction of the voice, in order to find which direction improves your feeling response the most… .

Changing location outside your body

Now hear that voice coming from outside your body. First hear it from 2 feet in front of your face… .

And then 10 feet in front of you… .

And then 30 feet in front of you… . And then 100 feet in front of you… . And then even farther away than that… .

Usually a voice that is farther away will be less impactful, and easier to listen to. Often distance also changes the volume of the voice, and may also change its tonality. Although distance alone is usually a way to reduce the impact of a voice, direction can also be important, and I'd like you to experiment with that.

Now hear the voice behind you, and again experiment with hearing it 2, 10, 30, 100 feet away and even farther… .

Now compare hearing the voice the same distance in front of you and behind you, and notice any differences… .

Usually a voice that is behind you will be less impactful because many people have their past experiences behind them and their future experiences in front of them.

Next hear the voice coming from your left side, and experiment with distance in the same way — 2, 10, 30, 100 feet away and farther… .

Next hear the voice on your right side, and experiment with distance in the same way… .

Now compare hearing the voice the same distance to the left of you and to the right of you, and notice any differences… .

Often a voice will be less impactful on the left than the right, because many people have their past on their left, and their future on their right.

Next hear the voice above you, and experiment with distance… .

Next hear the voice below you, and do the same… .

Now compare hearing the voice above you and below you, and notice any differences… .

I have asked you to experiment with hearing the voice in the six main spatial dimensions, but of course there are an infinite number of other possible directions. If you experiment with some other direction in relation to your body, you may find a way to change the impact of the voice even more… .

Why does location matter so much, and why does moving a voice farther away from your head usually make it less disturbing and easier to listen to? When something threatens us in the real world, if it is closer to us, we need to respond more quickly and intensely to protect ourselves. If a threat is farther away, we have more time to prepare a response, so it isn't as urgent. When a threat is very close to you, you had better attend to it, but if it is behind you it is much less urgent, even when the content — what the voice says — is the same.

Changing the location in space also works with internal images. Recently Lewis Walker, an NLP–trained MD in Scotland, author of a book about medical applications of NLP, (20) saw a young woman who had witnessed two of her friends killed in a motorcycle accident the day before:

When she came into my office she had already dissolved into tears before she sat down. Through the sobs she told me about the smash. One friend was decapitated, the other with a bit of leg thrown across the carriageway. As she described how "The pictures are all in front of my face," both hands were gesturing about 2 inches from her eyes.

I said something like, "Let me take these for you," as I reached over with my right hand and grabbed her pictures, while simultaneously making a "ripping" noise as I stood up and hauled them off to her left side, and then diagonally behind her. I asked her to "Look at all these pictures in my hand as they shrink way down in size and all the color drains away," cupping and closing my right hand as I did so.

At this point her body in the chair was facing ahead, while her head was looking over her left shoulder. I took the images to the corner of the room near the door and said. "Now just imagine they're fixed right here by a nail, and I hit the door post with my fist. "Now knowing that they're fixed here, in your mind's eye look straight ahead and tell me how things are different now… ."

She visibly relaxed, the tears subsided, and she felt more in control. As I sat down again in front of her I said, "Keeping them nailed over there, what happens as you take this into tomorrow, and the next day, into next week and next month (gesturing with my left hand along her future timeline out to her right) knowing that with each passing day that (pointing to her images of the accident) gets farther and farther away as it recedes into the distance."

She was much calmer now and could tell me about what happened after the accident, and how their motorcycle group was still planning to go on a tour to Germany in 3 weeks, and that she was going to go out on her motorcycle with her husband when he got home that night.

The whole consultation lasted no more than 15 minutes, and probably saved weeks — perhaps years — of the standard approach of "talking it through."