Marianna Baer - Frost

some horrible place and shove her full of meds?”

So now he was throwing that back at me?

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“Well, somewhere she can get help,” I said. “Of course. And

yes, meds can help.”

“God! You’re not a doctor yet, Leena. Even if you treat

yourself. How many psychotics have you even met? My father

was probably the first, right? And he wasn’t even having an

episode.”

“Yeah, but—”

“But what? I know psychosis. I’ve lived with it. Celeste is not

acting at all like my father ever acted. I’d be able to tell.”

This conversation had strayed so far from what I had

anticipated. I had no idea what to say anymore. “But, David. If

you listen to what Celeste is saying—”

“Celeste is rational. She doesn’t have any other symptoms.”

He held out his hand and counted off on his fingers. “She’s doing

her schoolwork. She’s already got all of her college apps in—did

you know that? She has good personal hygiene. She hasn’t

withdrawn—”

“Of course she has,” I said. “We barely ever see her

anymore.”

David shook his head. “That’s because of us, because she

doesn’t know how to deal with our relationship. And I see her on

my own, when you’re not around.”

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“I can’t believe we’re arguing over this,” I said. “If she’s not

sick, then it won’t hurt to tell someone, right?”

“Leena. I’m going to talk to Celeste. Until then, don’t do

anything. Anyway, waiting won’t make a difference. If you are

right, if she’s sick, what’ll it matter? A few days won’t change

anything. Right?”

“It’s just, if she’s sick—”

“If you are right,” he interrupted, “if she’s sick, then I

promise, a day or two won’t make any difference. Nothing will

change the fact that Celeste, the Celeste I know, is gone.”

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Chapter 37

GOING TO MY CLASSES WAS NOT AN OPTION. David’s

completely irrational view of the facts had thrown me for almost

as big a loop as Celeste’s revelation. There was only one place I

could safely process the information.

I fumbled a round yellow pill into my mouth. I needed clarity.

Too much emotion and confusion battled in my brain. I breathed

in the closet’s comforting smell, traced my finger over Cubby’s

feathers, and tried to think.

Was the power of denial so strong that it could completely

prevent David from seeing the truth? Maybe the drive for self-

protection trumped logic, rationality. When David talked to

Celeste, though, when he heard the paranoia in her voice, he’d

have to come to terms with what was really happening. He just

needed some time to let it sink in.

And where would that leave us? The loneliness that lay

ahead of him made my chest ache. It made me want to tell him

that I’d be there, in whatever way he needed. Did he know that? I

couldn’t believe how strongly attached I’d grown to him in such a

short time.

You know that can only hurt you. Once he doesn’t want you.

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“No,” I said. “He’s going to need me. He’s not going to have

Celeste anymore. He’ll need me.” I rubbed my temples. More and

more I’d been getting these deep, throbbing headaches.

Don’t you see? He’s sick, too. He’ll never want you the way he

wants her.

“Why do you say that? That’s awful.”

In here is the only place you get the truth.

I’d had enough of the truth these past couple of days. I was

exhausted from it all—the revelations, confrontations. And

though usually I loved the way I felt in here, right now, I couldn’t

handle any more insights into my sometimes ugly subconscious.

It took an enormous amount of energy to push myself up

and out into the blinding light of my room. And the minute I was

out there, I almost went back in. Somehow the open space of the

room was overwhelming. Not contained enough. I needed an

activity. Something to occupy me until David got in touch.

Something physical—there was no way I could concentrate on

homework. The furniture was happy in its arrangement. No space

on the walls to hang more pictures. Maybe the garden needed

something.

I crossed the room to look outside. The angle of the light

coming through the window brought out the layers of dirt that

had built up on the pane. Ugh. How had I not noticed this before?

I ran a finger down the cold glass. Dirt stuck to the tip.

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I got a pile of newspapers from the common room and the

Windex from under the bathroom sink. I started at the far right

window—just as dirty as the other. I sprayed the cleaner and

began wiping with a wadded-up clump of newspaper.

I breathed in and out with the strokes of my arm. Okay. I

didn’t need to think about David’s part in this. About his strange

reaction. Or what was going to happen to us. No good could come

from dwelling on the possibility of losing him, the way I always

seemed to do in the closet.

I rubbed circles of streaky liquid round and round the next

pane. My wad of newspaper bumped up against the wood frame

that had splintered when I’d been hanging the blinds with David.

It had been ready to fall apart, that piece of rotten wood. But it

took me drilling into it for the large chunk to splinter off. What

had happened to Celeste, to make her mind splinter like it had?

I thought back to the beginning of the semester, to the bad

things that happened to her right off the bat—the ripped skirt,

the broken vase. One possibility, of course, was that she had

unknowingly caused these things to happen herself. But maybe

she hadn’t. Maybe someone else had done these things, and that

had been part of what had instigated Celeste’s paranoia. She

thought someone was out to get her because, in a way, someone

was out to get her. Was it possible that a mental disorder could

be set off by something like that? Or had the mental disorder

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itself caused the things to happen? Which came first, the chicken

or the egg?

I didn’t hear from David until late that afternoon. I was about

to lose it, wondering whether he had talked to Celeste yet, when

my phone finally flashed his name.

“Can you have dinner at Tonio’s?” he said.

“Tonio’s? Sure, why?”

“I’m hungry.” I thought I heard laughter in the background.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll pick you up in half an hour.”

I was surprised that David was hungry at all, let alone in the

mood to go to a romantic, off-campus restaurant. I was even

more surprised when I picked him up at his dorm and found

Celeste there with him. He slid in the front, Celeste and her

crutches in the back.

“Where should I drop you off?” I asked her.

“I’m coming to dinner,” she said. Even in the small reflection

in the rearview mirror, I could see that despite the dark bags, her

eyes sparkled like they hadn’t before. Her whole expression was

entirely different from yesterday’s.

David’s face was more serious than hers, but not nearly as

morose as when I’d left him. A disturbing new idea wiggled its

way into my brain. Was it possible—at all possible—that this

whole thing had been a joke? Or some kind of sick Lazar family

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test? Well, if it was, there was no question—I was done with both

of them.

I got no clues from their conversation on the drive to Tonio’s.

Celeste spent the whole time talking about the upcoming student

exhibition her photos were going to be in, and soliciting our

opinions about what she should wear to the opening. If this

wasn’t a joke, had David even talked to her?

At Tonio’s, the maître d’ gave us the polite but tired smile

Barcroft students always get and led us to a small, velvet-

upholstered booth at the back of the dark restaurant.

Celeste immediately grabbed a breadstick from a ceramic jar.

David opened the stiff, gold-embossed cover of his menu.

I opened mine, but the words didn’t coalesce into

meaningful phrases. I shut it. “So, why are we here?” I said. “It’s

not your birthday, is it? That’s in a couple weeks.” A ludicrous

guess; of course this wasn’t a birthday party.

“We wanted somewhere private,” David said.

“Aren’t these booths great?” Celeste ran a hand over the

tufted, burgundy velvet. “Old-school glamour. I’d like to have one

in my house.”

A waiter in black pants and a white button-down appeared at

our table. “My name is Cliff and I’ll be your server this evening.

May I take your drink order?”

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“Diet Coke, please,” I said, then added, “Actually, just

water.” I didn’t need any caffeine.

“Club soda,” Celeste said. “With one maraschino cherry, and

a slice of lime.”

“Sam Adams,” David said.

“May I see some ID, sir?” Cliff said.

David looked surprised, then embarrassed. He began patting

his pockets. “Oh, sorry, I don’t think I brought . . . That’s okay. I’ll

just have a Coke.”

“Why somewhere private?” I said, once we were alone again.

“We have a plan,” David said. “Well, the start of one.”

“Okay . . .”

David placed both palms on the table and leaned forward.

“Here’s what we do. We convince the school that Frost House

isn’t safe to live in. That way, you all get to move out, no one

knowing the real reason you need to.”

“What do you mean, ‘isn’t safe’?” I said. “You’re going to tell

them there’s something evil in the house?”

“Of course not,” David said. “We prove that it’s physically

unstable. I don’t know, like the roof might collapse or whatever.

Maybe we could start a fire or something, just a small one.”

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I sat there, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Their expressions were anxious, but in an excited, not-nervous

way. Kids listening for Santa’s sleigh on the roof.

The waiter placed our drinks on the table. “Would you like to

hear this evening’s specials?” he said.

Specials? Who could think about food? I couldn’t even

conceive of reading through the menu with David’s words

hanging in the air. A fire? Was he kidding?

“I don’t need to hear specials,” I said, just to say something.

“I’ll have the fettuccini Alfredo, please.”

“Steak for me,” David said. “Rare.”

“Ooh, me too.” Celeste was almost giddy. “Listen,” she said

to the waiter, “do you think the restaurant is going to get new

seating anytime soon? Because if they do, I’d be interested in

buying one of these booths.”

Cliff stifled a smile. “I don’t think so. I’ll check, though.” He

chuckled as he walked away.

“You’re joking, right?” I said to David.

“I know it sounds extreme,” he said. “But think about it.”

“Burning down the haunted house,” I said. “Like in a cheesy

horror movie? Are you crazy?” Right away I knew it was a bad

choice of words.

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“David and I are both crazy,” Celeste said in a woo-woo,

exaggeratedly eerie voice. She wiggled her fingers in the air. “And

we’re going to make you crazy, too.”

“No, we’re not,” David said. “I don’t necessarily mean a fire.

Just something to make the house unlivable. You know all about

house construction. What could we do to make it unlivable? Like,

a major plumbing leak or something that ruins some stuff.”

“I don’t want it to be unlivable,” I said. “In case you’ve

forgotten, I live there!”

“So you’ll move into an empty room somewhere else.” David

pulled out a breadstick and snapped it in half.

“No. This is a ridiculous idea.”

“Leena,” David said. “Celeste can’t keep living there. And any

other solution involves making her look sick. Unless you want us

to make up some story about how you guys are mean to her.

We’ll tell the dean she’s too miserable to stay there.”

“No way,” I said. “Absolutely not.” Aside from the fact I’d be

mortified for them to do that, this whole plan was predicated on

the fact that Celeste would be okay if she moved out. Could David

honestly believe that?

“Come on,” David said, cajoling, as if he was trying to

convince me to take a breadstick or something equally trivial.

“Next year we’ll have a nice place in the city. You can handle

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living in some other dorm until then. What’s the big deal about

you staying there?”

The big deal? He knew how I felt about my room. How could

he even ask? And how could they be so casual, so . . . so . . . so

goddamn cheery? I stared at my fork. “I don’t want to move out.”

My voice was tight.

“It’s a good plan,” Celeste said to me. “We know it’s kind of

weird, but not so much if you think about it.”

“It’s kind of impractical, to put it mildly,” I said. “And what

about Viv and Abby and Ms. Martin? You’re going to make all of

them move out, too? And Kate is supposed to move in next

semester. What about her? We’re all supposed to live there.”

“Do you have a better idea?” David said.

I couldn’t believe he was putting me in this position in front

of Celeste. He knew what I thought.

“A problem with the wiring,” he said. “Don’t old houses have

dangerous electrical problems sometimes?”

“The dangerous wiring isn’t in the house,” I muttered.

“What?” David leaned toward me.

“Nothing. I mean, yes, of course there could be dangerous

wiring. But we wouldn’t know.”

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“What if we just scorched the wall?” he said. “Not a full-

fledged fire. Just enough to make them nervous. You know, a big,

scorched area around an outlet. Would that be enough for them

to move you?”

With no warning, Celeste stood up, jiggling the table and